 I recenty got these black Miss Sixty gladiator shoes in the middle and I am totally obsessed with them. They make me feel all Joan Jett cool but without the mullet. There are however, two minor problems with these shoes. The first problem is, the only thing that I look cool wearing them with are leggings. The second minor problem is that they make my feet bleed like a hemophiliac. Why, dear God, why do cute shoes ALWAYS have to hurt? It’s just another curse that cute girls have to deal with. So now, after wearing the these shoes for just one night, I have two scars on my Achilles heel. But, while my boyfriend was carrying me and my bloodied feet home that night, I knew that I loved them. So, I am going to wipe the blood off of these puppies and take the pain for being vain, because before I know it, I’m going to be 57 in an Easy Spirit buying shoes for…comfort. Eeks. (I have also included pictures of other similarly cute shoes that will cause scarring and blistering when worn–but that are also totally awesome.)
 These are crab sandals and I’m not sure why but I am drawn to them. I know they’re not cute. I want to say that they’re fun and whimsical, but lets be real, they’re roach. But somehow, they’re roach in a totally put together way. I mean, there’s a huge red crab on them for god sakes! They could be way worse, yet they look like they fit perfectly in any Kate Spade or Tory Burch collection. And I’m sure that this item will be the “cool and sassy” thing that the Kate Spade or Tory Burch wearing chick would get. My only beef with them is why a crab? I mean sure, maybe it makes sense because you might go to the beach and a crab might latch on to your shoes? Because you went into the water in your $300.00 leather sandals? That would be weird, like these crab sandals.
 Above is a $3,000.00 wedding dress from J.Crew. $3,000.00!! From J.Crew! It shouldn’t even be called a dress, it should just be called ruffles. I am absolutely flabbergasted at a designer who would design such an abomination to not only wedding dresses, but to ruffles. And kudos to the chick that bought it and thought she wouldn’t look fat and also ridiculous in it. Major kudos to the gal that sold the dress to the bride and convinced her that she would not be ridiculed endlessly by her frenemies and would be forever known as “ruffles” for the rest of her life. And snaps to the guy that married the chick that bought this dress because he had to pretend that the tears that he was shedding were not tears of utter disappointment for marrying an idiot who just flushed $3,000.00 down the drain on a bunch of ruffles. All in all, this dress is a completely amazing example of how human manipulation works because obviously a normal person with eyes would not buy this dress out of their own free will for $3,000.00. If you think that I’m wrong or if you think this dress is cute, please let me know. I need to save you. God only knows how much more money you’re tossing out the window on stuff like ruffles, cowboy boots and any clothing that says “princess” on it. Eeeks.
The time has finally arrived to store away your boots, UGGS, tennis shoes, and all those other shoes that that hide your feet, because hoochie-shoe season is in!! I love hoochie-shoe season because only hoochie shoes can make a hoochie outfit complete. Honestly, without the shoes girls are totally boring. What would a slutty girl look like without her plastic lucite heels? Or a nerdy chick without her 1997 Reeboks? Normal, that’s what. Therefore, shoes are an important part in not just looking pretty but defining the person that you are. It’s the same for guys. If I did a blind taste test and looked at only a guy’s shoes I can tell almost everything about him. For example, if a guy wore black square-tip Kenneth Cole black shoes, I could deduce that he is 1. Asian, 2. an engineer and 3. single or dates the girl in the 1997 Reeboks because he is still wearing the same stuff he wore in high school now that he’s 28. It’s a sore truth, but true nonetheless. Moral of this story, get cool shoes so that other people think that you’re cool! Now that I have given a true and viable reason to buy shoes, check out those hot $500.00 Christian Louboutins! If I do not have them, I will completely lose grasp of my personality and who I am. I also feel the same way about purses…and clothes…and gold bangles…
It’s no secret that I love bangles. These Ippolita bangles, however, are extra spectacular because not only are they gold, but they also have gemstones!! Plus, Halle Berry wears them, and everyone knows that we should buy whatever it is that Halle is selling. Sure, she’s been unlucky in love with that wife-beating baseball player and that one hot singer with the sex addiction. But, she’s no Jennifer Aniston (whom we love too). Now it’s all turning around for her. She’s a baby’s mama! And the baby daddy is some hot Versace model! See, these bracelets are magic and uber cute with a hot black dress or even just jeans and a tee. So, get them while they’re hot!
I have always wanted to wear maxi dresses. They’re pretty, flowy, usually floral and at the same time completely roach on me. I don’t know why!! I’m a cute, skinny asian chick that in theory should not only look cute in maxi dresses but in everything. So, I’m always befuddled when I put on a maxi dress thinking that I’m all kinds of greek goddess, when in reality I look like some demented asian mini-me.
My arms look bigger, my legs get shorter and I generally look roach all around. That’s why I’m giving maxi-dresses a huge thumbs down. This is mostly because if maxi dresses are not the roach ones, that means that I am, and we DON’T like that. Thus, maxi dresses, I deem you roach, however, I give you a point for not having to suck in when I wear them.
 How can you make old things new again? Apparently, these days, you just add a bunch of fringe to it and it automatically becomes styley and amazing. Just like the land we live on and illegal gaming, we have appropriated yet another Native American ritual: putting fringe on everything–and I have to say; I personally love it.
Boots, sandals, purses and dresses, it seems that I can’t go anywhere without getting hit in the face with fringe. This is because fringe is festive. With the economy going under, we all need a festive pick-me-up and fringe makes you shake. It’s the nature of the beast. So make everyday a party and shake your way into the New Year with the above Tracy Zych fringe bag.
You will inevitably inspire good vibes with everyone you will inadvertantly hit with all that fringe. Plus, anything fringe is going to match with your slutty Pocahontas Halloween costume. There, now you won’t feel bad that you bought something that will look absolutely ridiculous in two months. It’s fringe for god sakes!
 I have once again renewed my plans to single-handledly bring down J. Crew. Why? Because they are ridiculous. Ridiculous and also at the same time geniuses. Cruel, evil, geniuses.
They have decided to prey on the most vulnerable class of women–the insecure, slightly chubby, cardigan wearing, Tory Burch loving, I-will-pay-for-any-and-all-things-paisley-and-pastel women. And now they are convincing these same women that this dress with plastic beads is worth $3,500.00. It’s $3,500.00 and it doesn’t even have Gucci, Chanel, or any other repectable logo painted all over it. That’s because it’s from J.Crew.
This means that if you bought this dress, you would say to anyone who cared to ask, that you bought this dress for $3,500.00 from J.Crew! “Is that Dolce? Chloe? Marc Jacobs? Oh, No, J.Crew.” J.CREW?!?!? It’s maddening. If that doesn’t sound ridiculous to you, then in the words of Derek Zoolander’s fashion nemesis, Mugatu, “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!”
But I hope that this is not the case. I hope that women are not being fooled by J.Crew and the pretentious bitches that thought they could get away with this. Therefore, I’m starting a revolt. I am going to single-handedly bring down J.Crew by supporting places that sell the same exact clothes. So, Gap, Old Navy, and JC Penney I throw my support to you. However, I will take it all back if the one woman who decided to buy this dress comes forward and gives me even one good reason why she bought this dress. Then, I will offer her some water for the copious amounts of drugs that she must be taking.
 From the sunny hills of Hollywood to Orange County to the beautiful San Francisco Bay, I’m back to give you all things awesome to awfully roach. And it could not have come at a better time, because tis the season to freeze your butt off in a hoochie dress while standing in line for a hip holiday party.
Unlike guys in their long tacky leather jackets over their striped black button-ups, girls are never, ever, ever aloud to wear a jacket or any type of outerwear that can 1) warm them up or 2) cover up their hoochie dress. It’s the rules–lest she be destroyed. What’s even more irritating isn’t the actual cold, but those same stupid guys in their leather jackets that ask you if you’re cold. YES YOU IDIOT, OF COURSE I’M COLD–GIVE ME THAT HIDEOUS JACKET!
Word to the wise guys, if YOU are cold standing out there, then the girls next to you in their polyester slutty dresses are cold too. There, now you know. So ladies, if you’re going to have to suffer might as well do so in a hot beaded halter dress by BCBG for $308.00. It’s white, with a halter neck and beading in the breast area. What more can you ask for? Throw on a santa hat, and bravely stand in that line with your unsuspecting boyfriend with the knowledge that even though you’re freezing cold, that girl next to you in red and green polyester is way more roach then you–which honestly, was the whole point anyways.
 I love Polos. I love them in every color and every brand. They’re comfortable, they’re cute and most importantly, you can pop their collars at any moment. But there is nobody on this planet Earth that loves polos more than Dads. More specifically, balding dads with their red baseball caps, chinos, and navy polos. And these very same dads love nothing more than to be wearing their navy polos COMPLETELY tucked into their chinos. I simply do not understand. Like moms who suddenly have an affinity for cropped pants and pastel, when a guy passes the age of 35 and becomes Dad, his polos end up tucked into stonewashed tapered jeans with a black belt around his nipples. I mean the the red cap covering the receding hairline–fine. The chinos because you can’t wear boot-cut, stylishly damaged Diesel jeans–I’ll accept that too. But what is the benefit of tucking in your polos and buttoning them up to your neck? The answer to that is nothing. Nothing, except that it’s roach. So there, if there ever was a reason to dump your hubby for a younger guy there it is. Ruining polos for everyone. Well that and man-dals (roach male sandals with all the slits and Nike swooshes everywhere–ick). And if they’re worn together, get yourself an Ashton Kutcher pronto! Cause even a lifetime of trucker hats is better than cargo shorts and man-dals.
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